What am I doing?

I won’t call myself a morning person. It is the nights that I came alive. The in-between were I was trying to fit in the crowd. My contemplation took me to worlds that I can’t imagine. The beautiful transition from reality and fantasy I was able to feel. I know I wasn’t trapped or I wasn’t set free. Somewhere in-between where I was left to live, survive, and sustain with all my thoughts. I wandered as much as I can, I wondered its vastness. I loved the depths. I was able to reach but when I got home I didn’t carry anything to tell people about the stuffs. How would you capture those thoughts? I sat to write. That’s when everything started. I really have so much to say, but it’s all hazy, I repeat.

My mornings started with a cup of tea and some contemplation. Not much worldly stuff caught my attention. I can't say its apathy but I really can't call it an understanding. It's kind of in-between. I won’t call myself mature or naive. I am in between. I am always in between. I don't know. You can't really say it's black or white when you have a lot of factors to deal with the impacts that it's going to bring. I don't mean to say that I was wavering. I was stuck in between. And I found it rational and that made a lot of sense to me. 

 I got my own philosophy that fueled my thoughts and takes me into times but all I want is not just that. It's different. It's not over thinking. It's not imagination. It is to find the "factual" in things that existed. Sometimes the deep thoughts brought nothing but severe headache which drained my energy to a great extend leaving me with no emotion to speak or feel. It's a different feel. I am not complaining but I wanted you to know what's inside my head.

I should have majored in “understanding” because as I told you I was working overtime on it. People did question it. And my plans did make few laughs including me. I am ordinary. I was the same cliched person who wrote” I am sincerely motivated to do…” even though I know what the reality was. It was like I was pushing myself hard to exist and live with reality. 

You can’t confine your thoughts with just few words when it was overflowing, like a cascade. 

This is the time I really wanted to ask myself what I am doing with my life.

(Inside my head)

#DortmundDiaries